From 09/14/16
I am heartened by a shift I am seeing, in the way we treat illness and affliction. Once it was taboo to talk openly about them. In some cases, people did not even tell their closest relatives and friends that they were suffering from a serious condition like cancer, high blood pressure, heart disease. Even more taboo was any mention of psychological or emotional conditions such as depression or anxiety. It wasn’t considered “polite,” it made us appear vulnerable or broken, and it made people “uncomfortable.”
People who were afflicted feared being shunned or pitied, dreaded the “help” that wasn’t really help, consoling words that were empty, and “care” that wasn’t really caring. People avoided those with serious conditions because they didn’t know what to say, or what to do. And, after all, it wasn’t their condition. They would inquire politely of a friend or relative, “and how is poor Steven?” So the person with the “problem” was rather isolated, both through self-censorship and through the social norms of what was considered appropriate to talk about.
But real life is insistent, it is sometimes bloody and naked and raw.
We have come to a turning where it is now a common practice to share what were once too intimate details about our health and our psyche. There are even websites (thank you, Caring Bridge!) where those details can be widely shared on a regular basis as a person’s healing or dying journey unfolds.
It may cause some discomfort, but the really amazing thing is how it has connected us at a deeper and more genuine level. Rather than being shunned, those who share with us their struggles allow us to bear witness and offer mindful, energetic, and appropriate care—appamada. And more and more, these folks are seen as resources for learning how to meet our own suffering, and that of those we love, with some grace and presence and curiosity.
It is painful to witness the suffering of others, it breaks our hearts, but as is often said, it breaks them open. We celebrate the victories of the afflicted, no matter how small, in treatment and ordinary living, and we are present for the dark moments on that path, knowing that between the well and the afflicted there is no true boundary. What a profound offering we receive from those who are willing to be vulnerable in sharing their journey. Our practice is to receive this offering fully and gratefully and to respond wholeheartedly with our Buddha heart and mind.
This week, two of our sangha members had good news on their path of meeting cancer, one of our sangha members faced a shooting in his own school, one of our sangha members saw his beloved dog killed by a car. Please know that this formless field of benefaction, this container we call sangha, is boundless; it can hold all of that and more. I am so deeply moved that we can share our lives so intimately, bear witness to all that is moving in us, and that we are privileged to offer each other the healing nectar of presence and care.