Enough

EnoughPeg SyversonApril 15, 2011“Working to create a perfect situation—a situation in which our will or choice finds nofinal resistance—means that nothing will ever be ‘enough.’ It means that everything thatremains must be drawn up into or overcome by our assertions. Living becomes an all ornothing proposition. Quite literally, ‘perfecting’ control has the structure of anultimatum.”Peter Hershock, Reinventing the Wheel, p. 128I want to talk today about this concept of “enough.” This is a good thing to talk about attax time, right?We have a story called “not enough,” and the parts of the story go like this:1. I am not enough...[you can fill in your own lists, but here are some suggestions]• for others to love and care for• to be able to take care of myself• to take care of others• for the world and its problems• not what is needed or wanted• not what I aspire to be2. I don’t have enough...• Material things• security• skills• knowledge• capacity• time• money• friends [though this is changing with Facebook “friends” who are somehow neveravailable to help you move.]• lovers• creativity• intelligence• compassion• willpower• ambition• vision• perfect body---2• space• talent• drive• effort• motivation• awakening3. Others are not enough• caring enough• responsible enough• present enough• absent enough• close enough• distant enough• willing enough• fun enough• tough enough• listening enough4. The world is not enough• clean enough• safe enough• quiet enough• peaceful enough• free enough• fair enough• supportive enough• caring enough5. The spiritual path is not enough• engaging enough• easy enough• convenient enough• blissful enough• “effective” enough in fixing me, others, and the world• curative enough of pain and suffering• preventative of harm enough• explanatory of injustice enough• fun enough• enabling enough• immediate enough• compelling enoughWe are so accustomed to framing our experience in “not enough” that we live in astate of agitation and dissatisfaction even when there is no basis for it. It’s the question---3we find ourselves vaguely asking sometimes: “what do I want?” And we aresometimes perplexed when we can’t figure out what we want, rather than stoppingand realizing what is here right now is enough. Or there may be a subtle egoic twist,where we feel virtuous that we don’t think we are enough. We don’t want to be selfsatisfied or arrogant, and in many of our original faith traditions “humility” wasconsidered noble, and by extension, self-flagellation of one sort or another wassupposed to keep any sinful pride at bay.And sometimes, if we are truthful, we have to admit we don’t even know what wouldbe enough. In fact, sometimes the problem seems to be “too much.” When we areyoung and rowdy, our energy is too much for our parents, as teenagers we aredefinitely too much of everything, and everything seems extreme: our anger, oursadness, our moodiness, our resistance to things as they are. But even now, as adults,we feel we have too much of what we don’t want: work, stress, responsibility, clutter,noise, confusion, technologies, just too much. Or we eat more than enough, and cringeat our profile in the mirror. The opposite of lack is excess, also a problem, in drinking, inwatching television, in eating, in any human activity.Too much is just the other side of the same coin as not enough, actually; it is the samefire, and fueled by the same deep-seated core beliefs. So we are perpetually uneasy, asthough we are trying to recall a song just out of reach. Or as I just witnessed at a bigconvention, people milling around anxiously convinced that they were missing the“good sessions” while they sat bored in another session. What is enough? What wouldthat even mean?The first practice step is simply to notice that experience of not enough—the edge ofit, its hidden currents of fear, anxiety, yearning, seeking, and sense of lack. Where dowe experience in the body? What are the sensations associated with it?The second step is to notice our response to simply becoming aware of how thatgnawing feeling pervades our lives, how frequently it arises, how easily it is triggered,sending us to the kitchen for something to eat, to the bar, to the computer, toStarbucks, to any source of relief, distraction, or soothing. And again the questionarises: How much [fill in the blank...food, alcohol,cappucino, net surfing] would beenough to satisfy you—completely?So we might be tempted to judge ourselves a bit harshly or try to fix this ever-wantingself somehow. The third practice step is to notice that these responses are alsoexamples of “not enough.” We want to be perfect, whole, without flaws, blameless,inexhaustible, and oh yeah, immortal and omnipotent. I’m joking a bit, but not really,because that is the secret dream of ego. So yeah, as far as egoic mind is concerned,you are still not enough. But you could be, maybe, if you would just....get with theprogram.---4The fourth step, then, is noticing how egoic mind turns this whole practice into aproject—a project whose main feature is the experience of “not enough” and the everreceding ideal of completeness and satisfaction. Not enough time for meditation, notenough willpower to stick with it, not enough commitment or I would be in amonastery, or a priest, or a teacher. I don’t have enough “spiritual attainment,”“wisdom,” “equanimity,” “compassion,” or “insight” for how long I’ve been working atthis, and on and on.So ultimately we turn with some curiosity and of course compassion toward this mindand body permeated with the experience of wanting and we ask, “What would beenough?” And “What if this is all we can have or be—could that be enough?”So right now, stop and see if you can recall a moment in your life when you werecompletely satisfied, truly aware that you needed or wanted nothing else. You mighthave been absolutely still, looking into your newborn baby’s eyes, or ricocheting down asnowy mountain, or putting the finishing touches on a big project—a moment wherenothing more was needed. Can you recall the sensations, the emotional tone, thescene, who was there? And what changed?What if your entire life, moment to moment, carried that experience of completeness,wholeness, “rightness,” no matter what the factual circumstances were, no matterwhether you were happy or sad, failing at something or triumphant, struggling or atease? What would it be like to experience in each moment “I am enough,” “this personis enough,” this work is enough,” “this world is enough,” “this moment is enough?”Almost immediately egoic mind begins to panic:You would never do anything!You would just settle for nothing! People would walk all over you! They wouldabandon you!You would starve to death/lose your job/turn into a slug/bag lady/The whole world would go to hell!And on and onThere is a belief that all activity, all “progress” we might say, is driven by thedissatisfaction of “not enough.” After all, isn’t that what gets us to the office every day,through those dreadful meetings and boring paperwork? It’s the hope of getting enough—money to do something fun, or buy a better house or retire and do whatever I damnwell please, or just to manage this ongoing debt I’m burdened with. This is how ourmodern culture captures our minds and hearts, our energy and our time, and puts us ina prison of never-ending desire.The original process of forcing another to one’s will and appropriating their labor wasenslavement; through violence and force their bodies were enslaved. But this isexpensive, inefficient, and even dangerous. There is always the possibility of escape,---5rebellion, mutiny. So a lot of force is required to keep a system like that in place, andultimately, it approaches the level of the energy that can be produced from that system,although slavery like that continues even today. But we are modern, so we evolved theenslavement of mind and will through the creation of endless desire. It is moreefficient, and you always have shame, blame, and punishment to fall back on—ormedication. We go willingly, mostly, caught in the self-centered dream. We aregeniuses at imagining and creating a longing for that which we do not have.But the experience of having enough, of being enough has never stopped an artist frommaking art, or a new parent from caring for a baby, or anyone, for that matter, fromhurling themselves into a wholehearted life. In fact, our work, our lives, ourrelationships are all much healthier and thrive when we are coming from that place: Iam enough, you are enough, this work is enough, this life is enough, this moment isenough.“Enough” is emblematic of the MIddle Way, neither lack nor excess, it is precisely whatis appropriate. Notice that it is not a “glass half empty” compromise, a stringent dietthat allows for cookies on the weekend. It is not a wimpy place of giving up, or aPollyanna chirpiness. It does not mean that this is the best of all possible worlds, or anyother idealistic delusion. It sees clearly all that is: all the suffering, all the difficulties, allthe struggle, all the injustices, all the rage and destruction, all the joy and delight, sothat our energies, our hearts, and our minds can move freely, fully liberated to expressour way of being, our abundant life, fully in this world.Enough is a place of complete, utter satisfaction with exactly what is: the opportunityand the very ground for realizing our unfolding narrative of the Bodhisattva life, ouroriginal Buddha heart-mind, and a foundation for living deeply and benefiting all beingsthrough our energetic, mindful care—Appamada.