No Boundaries: Saying No and Staying Connected

1No BoundariesPeg Syverson9/30/12In the past few weeks several people have talked to me about some similar struggles: how tomanage the expectations and demands of others. I wanted to talk a bit about that today.You have a human life, a treasure beyond our capacity to comprehend it. We areeach the artisans of our own lives; we craft them into our own uniqueexpression, whether that is sky-diving, sitting in a cubicle staring at a computerscreen, strolling the streets of Paris, or sitting in the Zendo. The possibilities areliterally infinite. We teach children, we buy things, we work out, and on and on.Mostly we wonder how we can manage these complex contemporary lives withall of our technologies, constructions, social requirements, work demands, familyneeds.Every day, it seems, someone comes along and asks us to do something else.What to say? I am drowning already, I can’t possibly send that memo, visit thatsick person, go to a movie, watch your dog while you are away. I feel like I willperish if I have to go to one more meeting, write one more report, drive on onemore crowded freeway, so please don’t even ask me.Usually the request is so small or seemingly reasonable, or the person asking issomeone we care about, that we just add another to-do to the list.We avoid intimacy because we dread the expectations it might create in others,of our availability, our willingness. The modern workplace can be like a world ofzombies with the occasional outbreak of panic or rage or or despair.But even when we are doing work we love, with people we enjoy and careabout, modern life still seems to require more than we can ever provide. Peopleseem to find two solutions for this situation: isolation or overburdeningthemselves, with the corresponding resentment that brings. These are theconditions we learned in our childhood, and we carry them into adulthood withabsolute conviction that these are the only two alternatives. Often they arecombined. We take on too many commitments or obligations until we arecompletely overwhelmed, and then we blow up or despair and pull away.This also seems to be somewhat gendered: while women tend to overburdenthemselves and then feel resentful, men tend to isolate themselves, pullingaway from intimacy to avoid the needs and demands of others.I had an advisor in graduate school, a brilliant and wonderful man, who wasrunning a big lab, and the chair of his department. Right after I finished, I heardthat he had skin cancer so bad that they had to surgically remove all of the skinon his face. The next time I saw him, he said he was not so busy these days. I---2said, well, you had a lot on your plate. He replied, yes, then the plate fell out ofmy hands, and when I picked it back up, I only put onto it what I wanted to.Of course, we find ourselves with some things on our plate that we didn’t putthere, but that we need to deal with regardless: a difficult teenager, agingparents, the need to make a living of some kind, our own bodies. But those arenot the difficulties people are telling me about. Instead, they will often say theyneed “better boundaries.” As though there needs to be a barrier of some kindbetween themselves and other people. It reminds me of the benighted peoplewho want to put a huge fence along the US-Mexico border. You can keep a lot ofpeople out that way, but a lot of them are actually helping you, in often invisibleways.What to do? It seems that our only alternatives are to either be a doormat andtake on whatever burdens people want to place on us, struggling to meet all ofthe expectations and demands, or to isolate ourselves, staying away from peopleand their incessant neediness. Or, as I mentioned, we can do both, burdeningourselves until we explode in resentment, and creating the isolation that gives ussome relief. But that relief comes at a price: the anguish and sadness ofseparation.The answer, therapists tell us, is to create “good boundaries.” If you haven’theard this term, you haven’t been paying attention. It means to protect the selfby setting limits on time, energy, and other resources. Anyone can look aroundthis place and see that good boundaries are something I am not concernedabout. Why?I think therapists recognize a particular kind of conditioning, let’s call it thepleaser, that comes along with being a social mammal, and with growing up as achild in this culture. The culture is also a bit manic, with so many complexities tonavigate and manage. But we have human limits, and we also deserveunstructured, uncommitted time for reflection and refreshment. So this conceptof “creating good boundaries” is a well-intentioned idea for managing our owntime and resources. But it is a faulty one.First, it is based on a notion of a self, and furthermore a self that needsprotection from others, a vulnerable self. It says a healthy person is someonewho can successfully separate him or herself from others. I don’t agree withthis, and it is nowhere in the Buddhist teachings.So if we are not to be doormats or hermits, is there some…middle way? What isa Zen Buddhist to do when faced with too many demands? You may wonder howI have come to know something about this, right?First, we need to be aware of how our conditioning contributes to thesesituations. There is a part of us, as I mentioned, that we might call the pleaser.Then there is the burdened, exhausted part, the resentful part, the part whose---3strategy is to fend off human connection. You need to clearly see how theseparts interact and relate to one another. This is important because you are aboutto liberate them all.There is no “self” that needs to be protected. That is a fundamental Buddhistteaching. That limitless pure presence that you are is, however, being expressedthrough a limited body and mind. So you do have responsibility for how thatexpression manifests itself in the world. And believe it or not, there are manymore needy people and situations than you can ever satisfy with just one limitedbody and mind. The real question is always: what is the best use of me? You havea unique set of skills, capacities, interests, and experiences. How can they bestbe marshaled in the world you live in?First, we need to be good stewards of ourselves, so that we can best express allthat we are. Second, we need to learn how to say no and stay connected. This isan art that was not probably taught to us in childhood, because the child doesnot have the independence to be able to muster it. Say no, and stay connected.How is this possible? It means affirming the primacy of the relationship, evenwhile declining a particular request. There are many forms for this, and if youwould like to study them, start asking Flint to do things and watch how thatworks.“Would you go river rafting with me Sunday?”“Gosh that sounds like fun! Thank you so much for thinking of me! I wish Icould!”So this is actually a practice. There may be people in your life you have never saidno to. I wouldn’t start there, but begin practicing. You do not owe people anyexplanation in most cases. “Gee, I’m sorry, that won’t be possible for me on thatday.” And you can offer alternatives that better fit your schedule, interests, orcapacities. “I could meet with you Friday for tea, though.”My other advisor, Charles Cooper, was standing outside his office one bright SanDiego day, just enjoying the sun. I walked up to him and said, “Can I ask you aquestion?” He said, “Come by my office at 2:00.” I was completely stopped. Hehad at once refused my request and satisfied it, in a way that made me feel notrejected, but special. I always remember that as a superb example of saying nobut staying connected. He made it clear he wanted to give me his completeattention—at a time when he was ready to.The most important thing in each of these encounters is to continue to meet theperson intimately, to continue to affirm the importance of the relationship, righthere and right now, even when declining some request. (“I’m so glad youthought of me! I would love to be able to help you out, but unfortunately rightnow I am not able to!”) You do not need to reject the person to gracefully refusethe burden. You can also redirect requests and demands by rescheduling them,---4delegating them (“I can’t chair that committee, but I know someone who mightbe perfect for that role.”), by offering what you are able to offer, happily andwithout burden or resentment. You don’t need to explain or get into a longdiscussion about why you can’t meet the request. You can just politely decline,without excuses.So the key is the management of your time, energy, and resources, which beginswith discovering just how much unstructured time you need to be sane andhappy. You might look into the uncalendar, which begins with that premise: firstschedule the fun time or leisure time on your calendar, then add therequirements, appointments and duties around that. The structures we create inour lives should be scaffolding for our unfolding path as pure presence, creativeintelligence, and pristine awareness. Our practice is the discipline for meetinglife’s challenges and demands. It is also a practice in intimacy with all things,even those in need. Some of those demands are non-negotiable, so we mustbecome skillful at meeting all of those that are.When we had the landscape business, both my husband, a fantastic landscapearchitect, and I were busy all the time, and when we were not in the office orseeing clients, we talked and thought about nothing else. The business was justgetting started, and we were struggling to make it work. We were both working70-80 hours a week, not uncommon for people who own their own businesses. Ibegan to realize that we would not be able to sustain this pace, and I talked withhim about taking one day off each week, just to relax and enjoy our life. He couldnot imagine how that was possible. The phone was ringing off the hook everysingle day. On weekends, he had appointments to see clients all day Saturdayand Sunday. And on and on. There was no way this could work.I said to him, suppose your brother died, and the funeral was this Sunday. Whatwould you say to the people who called? He thought about it and finally said, Iwould say, I can’t see you Sunday, but I could see you Friday. Perfect! I said. Iwrote it on 3 X 5 cards and taped it by the telephone (they were stuck in oneplace then), to his shaving mirror, and to the dashboard of our car. I can’t see youSunday, but I could see you Friday. No one seemed to mind. And that was howwe got our day off.You need to be creative. Saying no and staying connected is a practice and anart. It can be worked on and it can continue to be perfected. Try it and check backin with me. But meanwhile, remember, there is no self to protect, there are onlyenergies to be managed, expressing themselves through this limited body andmind. There are no boundaries possible between ourselves and our lives,between ourselves and other people. Practice is a scaffolding for meeting thatreality. Its discipline provides nourishment that relieves the tension of trying sohard everywhere else. I’ve never met anyone who said to me, gee, I wish I hadwaited and started practice later in my life. So let’s be good stewards of thishuman life.