How to be disagreeable
Dharma talk
Sunday, February 2, 2020
How many people here would consider themselves somewhat conflict-avoidant? Very conflict avoidant? I thought so. For many people Zen practice is an oasis of peace in a conflicted world, an oasis of silence in a noisy world, an oasis of ease in a complicated world. It is a blessing that we can find such an oasis. But today I want to talk about disagreement and conflict, the very thing most of us are fleeing from when we come into this practice.
But let’s be clear:
Having a different point of view is not disagreement; even having a different political view is not disagreement: believing the other person’s viewpoint or actions are wrong or harmful is. And sometimes that is necessary. So today I want to talk about how to be disagreeable.
Our compassion and vow for relieving suffering does not mean to be silent, passive, or accepting of everything, a doormat, in other words.
Our paramita of tolerance does not mean to stand mute in the face of cruelty or injustice.
Our practice of generosity does not mean to allow others to take what we have not given, nor that we should deplete ourselves through self-sacrifice or martyrdom.
Our ideal of harmony with others does not extend to the harmony of illusions, nor does it mean to avoid disagreement at all cost.
We have an ethical responsibility to be upright, speak truthfully, relieve suffering, and liberate all beings, particularly from the suffering created and sustained by ignorance. That means speaking up against injustice and cruelty, taking action to stop suffering, and working to end harm. When that harm is caused by systems and social structures, we work to transform them.
And sometimes that means we have to disagree. Many of us are conflict-avoidant—that’s part of the appeal of sitting with others in complete silence. Some of us have suffered through bitter disagreements in our families, and carry scars from those childhood wounds. We have worked in stressful workplaces where conflicts are either brutally public, or worse, underground and toxic.
In school we were taught not to question authority and not to disagree, to keep our hands to ourselves and behave like nice boys and girls. The schoolyard was a different story. Maybe there were bullies who dared us to disagree with them, with punishing consequences, or fights with a best friend that left us frustrated and furious.
All of these early experiences shaped our relationship to conflict—so often characterized by violent emotions and relationship damage that we had no idea how to repair. We certainly were not taught how to skillfully use disagreement or even conflict to deepen relationships or to improve a situation.
So I want to talk a bit about how you can use Zen practice to be more disagreeable. I’m sure whether you should tell your family or friends that this is what you are learning in Zen! Still,
Our practice is about meeting reality just as it is.
This is not Disneyland. it is not Camelot or some utopia. Those things are fantasies and we must live fully awake in the real world. In that world we have a part, a position, a path, and a vow. We need to be able to energetically counter the forces of greed, hatred, fear, and most of all, ignorance, because everyone suffers from their effects. So how can you become disagreeable?
We have to begin from some fundamental understandings. First, disagreement is a normal and healthy part of human relationships, even with those we love. It does not mean a break or rupture in our relationship, or that something is terribly wrong. It makes sense that coming from different life experiences, viewing the world in different ways, and having different intentions and aspirations, we would necessarily have differences of opinions, some slight and some serious. So this is a normal occurrence, and a healthy one, not a terrible problem.
The situation we are in with polarization of the larger culture, in fact, is a perfect example. Why would we expect that a nation as diverse as ours, with the history it has had, with the injustices that it has perpetuated, would not have powerful differences within and outside of it? Certainly those differences have been magnified and amplified by cynical manipulation by media and by those with destructive intentions, and this is a great danger to our nation’s capacity to find a wholesome way forward in the midst of them. We are really struggling with this situation right now.
So whether in our homes, in our neighborhoods, in our society, we must recognize that disagreement, even conflict are both normal and potentially productive. Violence, hatred, and ignorance as an expression of them are not.
The second understanding is of our fundamental human worth—our own, and those with whom we disagree. Every person has the potential for compassion, generosity, openness, care, and wisdom, even when they seem farthest away from it, and we must hold that understanding even for those we most strongly oppose. Our voice, as well as the voices of others, are worthy of being heard and met with curiosity, genuine kindness, and willingness to listen.
The third understanding is that ignorance, hatred, and greed are a kind of sickness, like cancer. If a friend or even an acquaintance tells us they have cancer, we have a response based on care and concern. It is no different with the three poisons: they literally are poisoning the person and worse, polluting the environment around them. They are a kind of sickness for which the Buddha offered healing medicine. But how to get the medicine to an unwilling patient?
The fourth understanding is that we can learn skillful means for being a doctor in our world. This practice is a kind of medical school for cultivating those skills. But we need to practice, and if we submerge all of our differences and disagreements even in our own sangha, how would we be able to practice with them in a safe container?
The fifth understanding is that everything is workable. Everything in our lives is part of our training program in wisdom and compassion. Disagreements and conflicts arise to teach us and to test us. They teach us so much that is valuable that I hope you do not miss those opportunities, and they test our aspiration and our capacity to maintain our practice of mindful care at all times.
Think of a disagreement or conflict not as me or us against another, but as a situation we are in together. It is often painful and difficult and unpleasant, and that is why we tend to try to avoid it in any way we can. How can we use our practice and our whole being to move the situation together toward liberation from suffering, toward wisdom and compassion, creating spaciousness and ease where there is contraction and stuckness?
The rules of engagement:
Pay attention. It is easy to tune out, dismiss, or project onto the other.
Get as much information about the situation and the persons in it as you can
Be respectful—of yourself as well as others, no matter what, even if and especially if they do not seem respectful of you
Listen to where they are coming from. If it’s not clear, ask questions, and keep asking questions until you understand. Be clear about where you are coming from.
Find a place of stillness inside. Take slow, mindful breaths and ground yourself
Stay curious about the process, don’t get caught in the content: how does it feel for you to be telling me this? Are you concerned that I will not listen to you? Attend to the process inside as well as outside: I can feel myself getting distressed when I hear that…
Take a break if you need to, when you feel yourself getting caught or stuck
Match the fire to the menu: if the differences have small consequences or minor effects, don’t bring the heavy artillery to them. When the consequences are large, don’t hold back in fear or feelings of inadequacy. Turn up and turn down the heat as appropriate to the situation.
Practice, practice, practice. Experiment mindfully and take note of the results. What happens if you speak up when you tend to be silent? What happens when you are quiet when you usually are forward?
Don’t try to be a hero. We can’t save anyone, or anything. We can only be who we want to be, so think: who do I want to be in this situation? Am I only interested in being right at any cost? Do I want to win something?
Live to fight another day: recognize when you’ve reached a stopping point, where things must be left for now. Know that you are planting seeds, not slaying dragons.
Reflect on what you’ve learned in the situation: about yourself, about the other person, about the situation itself
Our practice is relational, but that does not mean we are striving for some sentimental notion that we will somehow be able to keep all of our relationships harmonious and caring all of the time. It takes a long time to grow our capacity to meet any situation that arises with our full attention and mindful care, fully living our aspiration and vow. Meanwhile, we have ongoing opportunities to practice every day. You may feel well, this situation is too difficult, this person is impossible, these conditions are unworkable. That’s OK, it just means that situation is advanced practice, and you may not be quite ready for it yet. Keep practicing with what you can manage, and you will build the capacity to meet such situations. You will come to appreciate all challenges to our equanimity as opportunities. It doesn’t mean we like them, or that we create them, but simply that we meet them knowing we are being instructed and tested by them.
Non-Oppositional Disagreement: a paper I wrote for my students years ago.